Chapter One
In between classes, I was hanging out in the library. I was
fiddling with my shirt in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to decide if I
should tuck it into my jeans or not. I’d just given up when a voice said from
behind me,
“it
looked cuter tucked in.” I turned around, and saw a girl with long brown hair
leaning against the wall, applying flaming red lipstick in a compact. When she
saw me staring at her, she tore her eyes away from her own reflection to glance
at me. “The shirt,” she clarified, gesturing at my torso, “it looked better
tucked in.”
“Oh…
um, thanks.” I turned back to the mirror and tucked my shirt in, spinning in
the mirror to make sure I hadn’t left a tail sticking up. The girl crossed the
small bathroom to lean against the wall next to the mirror, as opposed to the
wall opposite.
“I’m
Kathy,” she said, extending her hand.
“Crystal.”
I said, accepting and shaking her hand with my own.
“Is
this yours?” She gestured to the cup that was sitting on the shelf next to the
mirror.
“Yeah…”
“Good.”
Without warning, she grabbed the cup and took a swig. In one smooth motion, her
head launched forward and she spit out the drink. “What IS that?” She asked, a
disgusted look on her face.
“It’s
tea.”
“No,
it’s not, it’s… dirt water.” She stuck her tongue out and shuddered. “Gross.”
“Well,
nobody told you to drink it.”
“You
seem cool, I figured you’d have good drink taste.”
“I do.
That’s good tea. It’s orange spice.”
“It’s
weird enough to drink tea, it’s
basically leaf water, but if you’re gonna do it you might as well have decent
leaf water.”
“Let me
guess, you drink…” I eyed the girl, taking in her skinny jeans, combat boots,
and plaid sweater, “black coffee straight out of the pot.”
“I’m more of an orange juice person.”
“Yeah,
well, if I could get two dozen glasses of orange juice for five bucks at the
corner store, I’m sure I’d be an orange juice person, too.” Trying to extricate
myself from the conversation, I shoved open the heavy swinging door and stepped
out into the stacks.
“I was
kidding.”
“Gee, I
couldn’t tell.”
“I do
drink black coffee. I know, such a stereotype, right?”
“It
does fit the aesthetic.” I did my best to ignore her and continue walking.
“Hey,
wait, talk to me,” she stepped in front of me and we almost had a collision.
“What
do you want?”
“I
don’t know, a friend?”
“Do you
usually make friends by criticizing their fashion and drinks of choice in the
bathroom?”
“I
wasn’t criticizing your fashion. You were clearly trying to make a decision,
and I made it easier. Now, your leaf water, that I was criticizing. But come
on, it deserves it.”
“Why
should I be your friend?”
“For
one thing, I’m pretty sure this is one of the most interesting conversations
you’ve ever had.”
“True,
but not in a good way.”
“For
another, I’m pretty cool. I don’t smoke anything—”
“That
does not fit the aesthetic.”
“Please
don’t interrupt my pitch. I don’t smoke anything, I’m a good student, I can
help you with your homework or whatever, and we’re in the same major – which I
know because I saw you at orientation - so we’re probably going to have a lot
of the same classes. Also, I have every streaming service available to me, and
I own a crap ton of music. I can play records, CDs, MP3s, even cassettes. I
have a wide music taste so if you like it, I probably have it. I don’t have a
roommate. In short, my dorm is the place to be for leaf water-swilling
microbiology majors who know how to really have fun.” She smiled proudly and
clasped her hands in front of her. I struggled to come up with something
negative to say.
“I
thought your kind didn’t like friendships.”
“My
kind?” She seemed genuinely flabbergasted. “Oh, you mean you think I’m super
emo or something? Because of the aesthetic? Well…” she peeled off her sweater
and revealed a pink T-shirt with some sort of French writing on it. “Fear not,
I am a woman of many faces. Not that I’m two-faced or anything. I’m really
trustworthy and genuine.”
“If
you’re so awesome, why do you need more friends?”
“Because
it’s college and I don’t know anyone.”
“Why
me?”
“I
recognized you from orientation.”
“You
remembered me?”
“You
talked. A lot.”
“Gee,
thanks.”
“No,
no, in a good way. You asked a lot of really smart questions. And don’t think I
didn’t hear the music blasting from your phone at lunch. You have an emo soul.”
“I had
my brother’s old phone. I don’t like half that stuff.”
“Well,
I guess Fall Out People—”
“It’s
Fall Out Boy,” I blurted, before I
realized what I was saying. Kathy just laughed.
“It’s
okay, hon. Like I said, woman of many faces. I could sing Taylor Swift’s canon from
memory.”
“Do you
have the new album?”
“Only
in three formats.” I let out a little gasp.
“Really?”
“Yup.
Still thinking about turning down that offer of an amazing friendship?”
“Well I
DO have a giant tub of super exotic coffee that my parents sent me that I am
never going to consume, but feel bad for wasting…”
“Consider
it un-wasted. Give me your phone.” I held back a little bit, but she smiled.
“I’m
going to give you my number, silly.”
“Oh,
okay, duh.” I laughed at myself as I unlocked my phone, opened the ‘new
contact’ screen, and handed it to her. In a few seconds, she handed it back,
after taking a selfie for her contact image.
“I’ll
text you so you get my number.” I said, opening the messages tab on my phone.
“Okay,
cool. I’ve got chemistry in, like, two minutes but do you wanna come over
tonight? If we post enough pictures of our listening party online, Taylor might
notice us.”
“That
sounds great, yeah.”
“Awesome.
I live on the seventh floor of holt hall. Room 723.”
“I live
on the fifth floor! Room 515!”
“What
the hell? So cool! See you tonight at seven!” She yelled as she opened the door
leading to the main library. Just like that, she was gone, and I was left
reeling from the most bizarre human contact I had ever experienced.
Chapter Two
“Do you want to live with me next
year?” Kathy asked abruptly, swirling her fork in her chow mein. I looked up
from my position on the divan, trying to figure out if she was serious or not.
“Seriously?”
“Of course. You’re my best friend.
I think we’d make good roommates. I mean, if you think it’s a bad idea, okay.”
“No, no,” I crossed the room and
sat next to her. “I think that’s a really good idea.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. As long as you can put up
with my leaf water.”
“Shut up, that was months ago. I
was a different person.” She whacked me with a throw pillow.
“Be careful with your food!” I
shouted, grabbing the plate of Chinese that had almost slid onto the floor.
“Nice save.” She sat back, drawing
her feet up onto the bed. “So, you’re really okay with it?”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?
You’re awesome. It’s way better than moving in with random people, anyway,
which is what I’d be doing otherwise.”
“Yeah,
no, thanks. I’d rather live in the dorms again.” We faked retching in perfect
tandem. I giggled, Kathy laughed out loud.
“I
think I’d rather live on the roof of the gym than the dorms.” I said.
“That’s
a tough decision. I hear the roof is haunted.”
“Haunted
by people who jumped off the roof because they lived in the dorms.”
“Don’t
joke about that.” She said, suddenly serious.
“I’m
sorry.”
“It’s
okay. Just don’t joke about it.”
“Okay.”
I put an arm around her shoulder, reaching for her hand with my free one. “I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I love you.”
“I love
you, too,” she said, smiling. “I’ve just always taken that kind of stuff really
seriously. It’s not a joke to me.”
“I
know. It was thoughtless, and I’m really sorry.”
“It’s
fine, really,” she said, although she wiped her eyes on her sleeve.
“Do you
want to go get coffee or something?” I asked, after a moment.
“I
believe you mean bean water.”
“See,
I’ve given up making fun of your drink choice.”
“Clearly
you lack persistence.”
“I lack
stubbornness, if that’s what you mean.”
“Rude,”
she joked, smacking me again with the same throw pillow.
“Oh,
it’s on!” I shouted, snatching a pillow and hitting her over the head with it.
She stood, and we fought for a good five minutes before collapsing in a helpless
pile of giggles.
“I’m
really glad I brought that up.” We were lying on our backs a few minutes later,
looking at the photos Kathy had arranged on her ceiling. Kathy clenched my hand
as she uttered this sentence.
“Me
too. I’m actually excited for next year now. But,” I lifted myself onto my
elbow and looked at her. “Not to kill the mood or anything, but what happens
this summer?”
“What
do you mean?”
“Are we
just… not going to hang out? I mean you’re my best friend, practically my
sister, I don’t want to be cut off from you for three months.”
“I’m
sure we’ll visit each other.”
“We
live a country away from each other. I know your family can barely afford to
send you here, and mine certainly can’t pay for round trip fare to California
from New York.”
“That’s
true,” she refused to meet my gaze. “But we have jobs, you know, we have money,
what if…” she trailed off.
“What
if what? You know I hate it when you leave me in suspense.”
“We
could get our apartment… before the summer.” She said this as though she’d been
planning it all along and she was pretty sure I wasn’t going to respond well.
She was right.
“What?
No!” I sat up.
“Hear
me out—”
“No.”
“Why
not? Why is this such a horrible idea?”
“Because
I’m not just going to up and move away from my family, with no notice!”
“They’d
have notice, and besides you already don’t live with them.”
“That’s
different, and you know it. Getting an apartment is… permanent. A dorm is
something you’re supposed to move out of.”
“We’re
getting an apartment a few months after that, anyway! Or is that not happening
anymore?”
“Look,
I know that your family sucks and everything, and I’m really sorry about that,
but I love my family. They mean everything to me. I want to spend as much time
with them as I can.”
“Oh, so
you decided to move across the country for school because you’re a daddy’s
girl?”
“What
the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Just
that you clearly don’t care too much about spending your every waking moment
with them since you go to school 3,000 miles from them, and you haven’t even
seen them for, what, four months?”
“I
can’t believe you just said that to me. I didn’t come here to get away from
them, I came here because this is a great school and I’ve wanted to go here
since I was a kid. The fact that you don’t know that, or are choosing to ignore
that—”
“The
fact that YOU’RE ignoring is that you are going to move away from them
eventually, and you practically already did, so why on earth wouldn’t you do it
two months earlier? You always talk about how poor your family is, wouldn’t
this be, I don’t know, cheaper?”
“You
know what, I need to think about this friendship for a while.” I picked up my
jacket and headed for the door.
“Hey,
no, Chris-”
“No, I
need to go clear my head and think about this. I don’t want to make decisions
right now because I am way too angry to think clearly.”
“Crystal,
wait.”
“Wait
for what? For you to apologize? Because we both know that’s not going to
happen.” I threw the door open and rushed into the hallway, running into
another girl who was standing by the elevator. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry.” I
managed a tight smile. Suddenly, a plate flew past my ear and hit the wall
across from Kathy’s door.
“You
forgot your takeout!” Kathy screamed. “Oh, hi, Jules,” she said awkwardly to
the girl standing in the hall, who was mutely staring at us, eyes wide. Kathy
smiled and waved at her and then, behind the closing door, scowled and gave me
the finger. I turned away, shuddering, my mind racing, and numbly picked up the
plate and scraped up the scattered food. The elevator came and went while I was
attempting to pick grains of rice out of the carpet. My seething rage reduced
to a glowing anger, and finally I actually felt bad for the argument. It had
mostly been my fault, anyway. As I started to rise, the door beside my head was
flung open, and Kathy almost tripped over me.
“Good
lord, what are you still doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be storming off and
‘thinking about our friendship,’ whatever that means?” Her eyes were puffy and
red. She sniffled. My heart ached, but I was determined not to give in so
easily.
“Well,
you made a mess, so I stayed out here to clean it up.”
“Isn’t
that how it always is?” She chuckled through her tears.
“Kinda.”
I laughed, feeling a lump forming in my throat.
“I’m so
sorry. Can we talk about this like rational adults?” She asked. I dried my nose
on the back of my hand.
“Are
you kidding? Of course.” I stood and threw the last of the takeout wreckage
away. Kathy held her door open and we went into her bedroom, which had somehow
been turned completely upside down in the ten minutes that I’d been in the
hallway. There was a stack of photographs on her desk, pictures of the two of
us wherein my face had been brutally crossed out with my favorite lipstick.
“Hope
none of those were polaroids,” I said, gesturing lamely at the heap.
“Some
of them were, unfortunately.”
“And
you ruined them with my lipstick.”
“Yeah.
It was the pettiest thing I could think to do.”
“That
is pretty petty, congratulations.”
“Okay,
let’s talk about this.” She sighed, scraping the pictures off the desk and into
the trash. She perched on the edge of the bed and I flopped down onto the
divan. “I totally get where you’re coming from with your drawbacks. Honestly, I
tend to forget that healthy familial relationships exist.”
“I
appreciate that you’re understanding my perspective, and I also appreciate the
strides you were making to solve a problem that I put forth.”
“Wow,
you’re really good at this.”
“I took
a communications class about argument last quarter.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway,
I do want to find a way to see each other over the summer, and I can agree that
getting an apartment early makes sense for a lot of reasons.”
“But I
get that you want to spend the summer back home.”
“I was
thinking,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “what if you came home with me
this summer?”
“Really?”
“I
mean, I’d be happy to have you, and I’m pretty sure my mom thinks of you as
family by now. As long as you promise not to fall in love with my brother or my
cousins or anything, I can’t think of a reason why you shouldn’t come up, as
long as your family would be okay with it.”
“Who
cares what they think?” She scoffed. “Anyways, they’d be fine with it. They
don’t care where I go or what I do, as long as none of it negatively impacts
them. And don’t worry about me falling in love with your male relatives.
They’re probably not my type.”
“I’ve
been told that they’re cute.”
“Ew,
people talk to you about your family members like that?”
“You have
no idea. There was this girl my freshman year of high school who would
literally not shut up about how cute she thought my brother’s butt was.”
“That
is disgusting. I think I would actually vomit if that happened to me.”
“I can
neither confirm nor deny the presence of vomit.” We laughed together for a
minute, but then Kathy returned us to the topic at hand.
“So,
you need to talk to your family about me coming home with you, and I should
probably let my folks know that they’re going to need to find a paid babysitter
this summer instead of enslaving me.”
“I am
so glad not to have younger siblings.”
“You’re
lucky, yeah. I always wished I had an older brother to, like, beat up my exes
for me.”
“You’d
be surprised. My big brother wouldn’t lift a finger for that. Half the time, he
didn’t know if I was dating anyone, let alone whom or what they were like. If
he had known and if I’d told him ‘go beat up that one, he hurt me,’ he
might’ve, like, given the guy a lecture or something, but I’m pretty sure that’s
the most violent he would ever get.”
“Really?
That’s so not how I pictured having an older brother would be.”
“I
think my brother’s just weird. My cousins are pretty standard big-brother fare.
We all went to school together and one of them even lived with us for a while,
so they were more involved with my love life than my brother was. I always fell
for their friends and they were the ones who were like ‘if he hurts you, I’ll
beat him up.’” I did my best macho man impression, but I’m pretty sure I just
sounded like a grandmother, judging by Kathy’s ensuing hysterics.
“I
can’t wait to meet these great men, with their froggy voices.” She gasped out
through the laughter.
“Oh,
hush, you know my impressions suck. By the way, you know it’s five thirty,
right? Don’t you have English in… five minutes?”
“Crap!”
She rocketed up from her seat. “That’s what I was on my way to do when you were
so rudely still in the hallway! You beast!” I laughed as she snatched her
backpack and laptop and sprinted out the door. “Lock up after me! I love you!
I’ll call you tonight!”
“Talk
to you later,” I laughed, waving as she disappeared into the elevator.
Chapter three
How do you tell someone you’re in love with them? Do you
just walk up to them and say hello, my
dear, I realized something today, and that’s that I am in love with you?
Are you supposed to spell it in rose petals in their favorite spot, or the
place you met? Do you write it in a card and leave the card on a box of
chocolates in their fridge? Do you just blurt it out on the spur of the moment?
Or do you, like I did, let this feeling fester in silence for as long as you
can?
The moment I realized I had to confess my love, we were on
my parents’ property back home in upstate New York. She was splashing in the
creek behind my house, chasing tadpoles, and the hem of her dress was dragging
in the water. Her shiny, soft hair was falling down in a curtain like she was
in a shampoo commercial. Her smile was lighting up her face, and most
importantly, she was happy. It wasn’t rare to see Kathy happy, but I’d never
seen her as happy as she was in that moment. I don’t know what it was, but
something about being away from her parents, being in the country and, I like
to flatter myself, being with me, made her shine with enthusiasm like she never
had before. I joined her in the creek, loving the feeling of the soft mud
between my toes and the cold water around my shins.
“You
were supposed to guard the shoes!” Kathy squealed.
“I’m
pretty sure they won’t wander off,” I chuckled, reaching into the water to pick
up a stone.
“I’m
not worried about them moving independently, I’m worried about Jonathan moving
them.”
“Oh,
you’re right, I’m sure my evil brother is going to come steal our shoes.”
“Hey,
it’s not outside the realm of possibility. He stole our clothes that time.”
“He
stole your clothes, you mean.” I
nudged her, and she blushed. That was the problem: Kathy was in love with my
brother. I’d seen it in her eyes the moment they met. I should’ve known to keep
her to myself. Not like she’d ever be into me like that, anyway.
“It’s
getting cold,” she said.
“You’re
crazy.”
“I’m
from California.”
“My
point exactly.”
“Rude!”
She splashed me. I splashed her back, but she shoved me. I fell backwards and
barely caught myself, pulling her with me.
“Jerk!”
I laughed, helping her up.
“Your
mistake!” She cackled, shoving me back down. I was completely soaked.
“You’re
going to get it!” I stood and made chase. She leapt out of the creek, slid her
feet into her moccasins, and snagged my sandals. “No! Come back!” I hopped out,
gingerly stepping, trying to avoid the stickers and spiny plants that littered
the ground. She was up the hill and on my back porch by the time I was five
feet from the water.
“I
win!” She crowed, then she rushed down to help me.
“Thanks
for nothing!”
“Hey,
you’d be stranded here if it wasn’t for my kindness.”
“Your
shoe-stealing kindness is world-renowned, my lady.” I casually took her hand
and she let me. We walked together back to my house, swinging our hands like
schoolgirls. My mother was hanging clothes on the line, and we moved to help
her.
“Oh,
hello, girls,” she said, smiling at us. “I thought that was Jon and one of his
friends playing in the creek, you both made so much noise.”
“Jon is
much too cool to play in the creek, mom, don’t you know?” I joked.
“I
don’t know, he’s lightened up a lot since I got here,” Kathy remarked, grabbing
a shirt from the basket and pinning it to the line. “Just an outsider’s
opinion, he seems to have really opened up.”
“Well,
you’ve got him listening to music besides The Scorpions, I’ll give you that,”
my mother said lightheartedly. “And don’t you dare call yourself an outsider.
You’re a part of this family now.”
“Thanks,
Mrs. P.” Kathy smiled warmly and paused for a second before wrapping her arms
around my mother. “You are more like a mother to me than my own mom, and you’ve
only known me for two months.”
“Oh,
please,” my mom said, “I’ve known you since that day in the library. Do you
know, the moment you left Crystal in that library she called me? ‘Mom, I’ve
just met the most bizarre person,’ she said. Turns out, she was wrong.” She
smiled, but Kathy clutched her bosom.
“I’m
not the most bizarre person? I, with my plaid, and my combat boots, and my
purple eyeliner, am not the most bizarre person? Who have you met who is more
bizarre than me? I must fight them. There can be only one.”
“Well,
for one thing, Jon’s not the only one who’s lightened up since you got here,
and I assure you, I meant only compliments. You are such a lovely girl.”
“Aw,
I’m gonna cry. Thank you so much, Mrs. P.”
“Oh,
please, you can call me m—”
“Hey,
aren’t we making dinner tonight?” I asked, before my mom could finish her
sentence.
“Oh,
yeah, and I wanted to make that steak that takes forever.” Kathy said, hugging
my mom one last time before we headed into the house.
“What
was that?” she asked, once we were alone inside.
“I
just… wanted to get dinner going.”
“Are
you jealous? Because you don’t need to be jealous. Your family and I aren’t
going to take each other from you.”
“Except
you and my mom and my brother. Great, I get to keep my dad!” An edge of
bitterness had made its way into my voice, although I’d really tried to keep it
out.
“Hey,
no. How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t like your brother like
that? And your mom is just… okay, yeah, she’s an amazing mother and I would
totally steal her if I could, but you guys have an incredible bond. She’s never
going to, like, love me more than you, or anything.”
“You
are so in love with my brother.”
“Chris,
I promise, I am not in love with your brother. I really, sincerely promise. I
would tell you if I was. I’m not. Can you trust me on that?”
“I
don’t know, I’ve seen the way you two look at each other.”
“What,
like siblings? Because that’s all that’s coming from me. I promise.” Just then,
my brother himself stepped into the kitchen. He was shirtless, of course, and
completely soaked.
“You ladies cooking dinner
tonight? Awesome! Hey, Kath, you’ve gotta make those green things.”
“Which
green things?”
“The
green soft things. The California things.”
“Oh,
the avocado wedges?”
“Those!”
He slammed his hand down on the counter, which made us both jump. “Those were
delicious. I would marry you—those, if I could.” He started to blush.
“Hey,
Jon, maybe you should go put on a shirt and take your foot out of your mouth.”
I said, pushing him towards the kitchen door.
“Avocadoes!”
He shouted before stepping into the dining room and shutting the door behind him.
I turned back to Kathy, whose mouth was agape.
“Okay,
Chris, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he is an idiot.” She set the
dishtowel she’d been holding down on the counter. “For one thing, he called me
Kath. He knows I hate that. Then, he couldn’t remember the word avocado. And
then…” she waved her hand and scoffed. “I guess you might be right about him,
but I promise you, the feeling does not go both ways. And he’ll probably get
over it. I’m just a novel concept. It’s the new girl effect. It’ll wear off.
Besides, I don’t like him. I really don’t.”
“Really?
I saw the way you were looking at his abs. You were shocked.”
“Yeah,
because who walks around without a shirt? How many brain cells does it take to
rule that out as acceptable?”
“Hey, that
is my brother you’re talking about.” I jumped to Jon’s defense.
“Sorry.
But really, there’s nothing there, not from me.”
“Really?”
“Yes,
why can’t you ever just trust me?” She glanced at the doors to the kitchen,
then out the windows, and leaned in. “Look, I haven’t told many people this. I
told my family, and their reaction is part of why I don’t ever want to see them
again. I didn’t want to tell you until… I don’t know, until we’d reached a
certain point. We’ve reached that point. I have a secret, a big secret. You
have to promise not to tell anyone.”
“Of
course, I promise.” I hoped she couldn’t see the way my knees were trembling or
hear my breath coming faster and faster.
“I’m
gay. I don’t like boys.” She let out a breath, and I bit down on my lip to keep
from squealing.
“Yeah,
no, I know what gay means. You’re… really? Huh.” I felt as though I’d suddenly
become an oil slick.
“If
that makes things weird between us, or anything, I get it. Just… please think
about it before you throw me out on my ass.”
“This
doesn’t change things at all. I mean it every time I say I love you. I…” I stopped
myself. “You’re my best friend. You’re an amazing person. You mean the world to
me, no matter what, and I will always care about you. Nothing can change that.
Okay?” I smiled and wiped a tear off her face. She smiled, and tucked my hair
behind my ears before hugging me tightly.
“Thank
you so much.” I could feel her tears wetting my shoulders. “you are my best
friend. I love you so much.”
“I love
you more.”
“No,”
she leaned back and sniffled. “I love you more. I mean it. You don’t get to
fight me on this.”
“Okay.”
I chuckled, holding her face between my hands, feeling her cheekbones beneath
my fingers, admiring the eyelash curve of her lips and the luscious curve of
her eyelashes. I was filling up fast with emotions and I didn’t want to spill
any of them to her, so I looked away quickly and went to the fridge. “We should
start cooking.”
“You’re
right.” Kathy came up behind me and casually placed one hand on my hip while
looking over my shoulder into the fridge. Her breath on my neck gave me
goosebumps. Almost instinctively, I placed my hand over hers and gave hers a
squeeze.
Chapter four.
Our ocean-wave bodies crashed into the shore that was my
bed, and we were a tangle of limbs and sweat and heavy breathing. Her hair was
in my face and her hands were in my hair, and my legs were entwined with hers
and our breath was on each other’s faces. I pulled her close, and our lips met.
She broke the kiss first, shoving back just an inch.
“We’re
drunk,” she whispered, her words dancing across my lips.
“Are
you drunk?”
“No, I
didn’t drink anything. Are you drunk?”
“No.”
“Good.”
She bit her lower lip and a bewitching smile crept up her face. She tangled a
hand in my hair and sat up against the wall, pulling me with her. I was
straddling her lap and we were kissing, and it was so heavenly. I had imagined
kissing Kathy for a year and a half, and finally getting to do it exceeded my
every expectation. Her lips were softer than I ever could have imagined, and
her delicate hands were caressing my jawbone, my hair, my neck, so unlike the
meaty paws of every boy I’d ever kissed. I was unsure what to do with my own
hands, so I simply rested them on her shoulders. She leaned forward, pushing me
back onto the bed, and she crawled down next to me, breaking the kiss. And then
we stopped. We lay there in the darkness, her arm across my stomach, my arm
under her neck, looking at each other.
“I
liked that.” She whispered.
“I
liked that, too.”
“You’re
my best friend.”
“You’re
my best friend, too.”
“You
sound like an idiot.”
“You
sound like an idiot, too.” I laughed, and she caught my smile in another kiss.
After a moment, she pulled back, stuck out her tongue, and barely licked the
tip of my nose. I giggled, and she buried her face in her hands.
“I
don’t know why I did that, sorry.”
“That’s
okay, it was cute.” We were silent for a few minutes, just listening to each
other’s heart beats and holding one another.
“Is
this going to be a one-time thing?” she asked, breaking the silence.
“God, I
hope not,” I blurted. “Sorry, is that too aggressive?”
“Not at
all. I hope not, too.”
“Do you
wanna—”
“Will
you be my girlfriend?” She cut me off, leaning up on an elbow and looking down
at me.
“No,
see, I was going to ask you if you
wanted to be my girlfriend. No fair
beating me to it.”
“Yeah,
well, I came out first. That comes with certain privileges.”
“Excuse
me, I only didn’t come out because I thought you were straight and in love with
my brother.” I barely finished the sentence before I burst out laughing.
“That
is the most hilarious thing you’ve ever said,” she said, wrapping her arm more
tightly around me. “Anyways, will you be my girlfriend?”
“What,
no flowers? No cheesy-yet-impossibly-romantic setting?”
“Well,
at least I didn’t say ‘do you wanna go out some time?’ like someone I know.”
She shot me a pointed look.
“that
is not what I was going to say!” I
pretended to be hurt. “I was going to say, ‘do you wanna be my girlfriend.’
That is much less of a middle school boy ask.”
“You’re
right, it’s a high school boy ask. So much better.”
“Ouch,
burn. It is better, though, I was defining the relationship. I didn’t just
start making out with you at a party and then expect everything to go back to
normal.”
“No,
thank god you aren’t Chad Bradshaw.”
“Is
this a bad time to tell you that I used to be a dude named Chad Bradshaw?”
“Oh,
you’re my first of two boyfriends? That explains the nasty leaf water.”
“I’m
hurt.”
“So,
anyway, will you?”
“Will I
what?”
“Be my
girlfriend, you moron.”
“Of
course, I’ll be your girlfriend, you moron. I’ve only been in love with you
since the moment I laid eyes on you.”
“Yeah,
well I’ve been in love with you since the moment I laid eyes on you, which was
before you laid eyes on me. So, I win.”
“Wow,
everything’s a competition with you lately.”
“I have
to prove my dominance in the relationship. I have to be the man.”
“What,
so you get to be the man?”
“Well,
we have to have a definitive answer when we get asked ‘so, um, who’s the man in
your relationship?’”
“At
least it’s better than ‘but what do you do with all the sandwiches?’”
“What…
on earth does that mean?”
“You
know, ‘woman get in there and make me a sandwich’? ‘The problem with being a
gay guy is you don’t have anyone to make your sandwiches, the problem with
being a lesbian is you don’t have anyone to eat your sandwiches’? Have you
really never heard those before?”
“I’ve
heard the first one, I think the second one is just a you-thing.”
“It’s
so not just a me-thing.”
“It
totally is.”
“Well,
if it is, it’s a pretty great me-thing.”
“I
think all your you-things are pretty great.” She nuzzled her hair into my neck,
and I bit back a squeal of delight.
“I feel
like a fangirl getting to date my favorite celebrity,” I whispered.
“Bet
you’re glad now that you couldn’t decide how to tuck your shirt in.”
“I knew
it was supposed to be tucked in, I was obviously just trying to get you to talk
to me.”
“Oh,
yeah, totally.”
“You’d
better believe it.”
“Was
the gross leaf water a trick, too? Because I gotta confess, that’s part of why
I fell in love with you. So, if that wasn’t real, you’d better tell me now.”
“That
was orange spice tea and I was very into it at the time, thank you very much.”
“Uh-huh,
sure. I’m going to go to sleep. I’m tired.”
“Okay.
Take your shoes off.”
“Take
them off for me.” She laughed, but I sat up.
“No,
no, I was kidding. You’re not my slave. You don’t have to do that.” I swatted her
hands away and gently unlaced her sneakers and slid them off her feet. I kicked
off my shoes and lay back down. She wrapped herself back around me and buried
her face in my neck.
“I love
you.” She whispered.
“I love
you, too.” And this time it meant something completely different than the other
million times I’d told her those three little words.
Chapter Five
Just before Christmas break our sophomore year, we were
walking downtown, doing some shopping.
“Are
you sure you want to come home with me over break? Won’t your family miss you?”
“Oh,
honey, I think now that my gayness is official, my family would rather spend
Christmas in Australia fighting giant spiders than with me.”
“That’s
another thing; my mom knows about me, but she doesn’t know about… us.”
“It’s
been almost a year, you haven’t told her yet?”
“I
don’t know, it just… it never came up.”
“I
don’t know how I feel about that.”
“I
don’t want to hurt her.”
“How
would your happiness hurt her?” She stopped, and faced me. “You are happy, aren’t
you?”
“How could you say that?
Of course I’m happy. I love you more than anything in the world. You make me
happier than I knew I could be.”
“Okay.”
She started walking again.
“Hey,
wait, Kathy, I’m sorry. Here, I’ll tell her right now.” I shifted around my
grocery bags and dug my phone out of my pocket.
“Oh, my
god, are you sure?”
“Yes.
It’s time.” I dialed my mom’s number and held my phone up to my ear. Kathy took
my bags in one hand and my hand in the other. She held it tightly as my mother
answered the phone.
“Hello,
dear!”
“Hi,
mom.”
“What’s
going on?”
“Nothing,
really, I just have something I want to tell you.”
“Are
you okay?”
“Yes,
mom, I’m fine. It’s something good.”
“Okay,
what is it?”
“You
know Kathy?”
“The
one who lived with us last summer and is coming over for Christmas? Yes, of
course, I know Kathy.”
“Okay,
well, um, mom, she’s… she’s my girlfriend.” Silence. “We’ve been dating since
March. We wanted to wait to tell you until we knew it was going to stick and,
well, I think it’s going to. I love her so much, mom, she makes me so, so
happy. Are… are you there?”
“Yes,
I’m here,” my mom said, and I could hear the tears in her voice.
“Are
you okay?”
“I’m
fine. This is wonderful. Oh, Chris, I knew the moment I saw you two together
that you were more than just friends.”
“Really?
You’re not… you’re not upset?”
“You’re
happy, why on earth would I be upset? This is so much better than when you
called to tell me that Tim Radonovick asked you out and there was nothing I
could do to make you say no.”
“Mom,
gross!”
“Do you
want to tell your father and brother, or shall I?”
“I… I
don’t know…” I glanced at Kathy, who mouthed some words that I didn’t
understand. I freaked out and just blurted, “I’ll tell them.”
“You’re
sure?”
“Of course
I’m sure. I told them I was a lesbian, I can tell them I’m with the love of my
life.”
“Your
poor brother is going to be heartbroken. I tried to tell him Kathy wasn’t
interested in him…”
“Oh,
god, he’s not still hung up on her, is he?”
“I’m
afraid so. He asks about her pretty much every day.”
“I
mean, I don’t blame him…”
“Here
comes your father now, and Jon with him. I’ll put you on speaker.” She paused
briefly, and suddenly I could hear room-noises: people walking around, a
ceiling fan whirring, clocks ticking. “Go ahead, Crystal.”
“Here,
I’m going to put us on speaker, too, so Kathy can talk.” Kathy’s eyes widened,
and I gave her my most pleading look. She nodded.
“Okay,
hi, Mrs. P, Mr. P.” She said.
“Hi,
Kathy!” Jonothan shouted. “How are you doing?”
“Hey,
Jon,” she practically groaned, “I’m doing really well. And yourself?”
“I miss
you!” He blurted, and Kathy and I cringed.
“Well,
dad, Jon, Kathy and I have some news.”
“Oh,
god, they’re dropping out of school.” My father sighed. “Well, Chris, we love
you—”
“No,
dad, it’s not that. Kathy and I are…”
“We’re
dating.” Kathy finished.
“What?”
Jonothan cried, “You’re gay?”
“I
tried to tell you,” my mom chided, “but you wouldn’t listen.”
“This
isn’t fair! This sucks!” Judging from the background noise, my brother stormed
out of the room.
“I’m
sorry about that, honey,” my mom said.
“It’s
okay. Dad? Are you there?”
“Yes,
I’m here.”
“What
do you… what do you think of that?”
“I guess…
I don’t know, Crystal. Do you think she could be the one for you?”
“Yeah,”
I said, looking over at the girl of my dreams and smiling. “I think she
definitely could be.”
“Then
all right. I guess it’s fine by me. Is she still coming over for Christmas?”
“If
that’s okay, I’d love to.” Kathy chimed in.
“You’ll
be sleeping in separate bedrooms, then.”
“Gregory…”
my mother sighed.
“No,
mom, it’s okay. If Jonathan brought a girl home, they’d have to sleep in
separate bedrooms, too. I wasn’t expecting anything else.”
“I love
you both,” my mom said.
“I love
you, too!” Kathy and I said in unison.
“I
guess we’ll see you in a couple of weeks.” My father said, “Congratulations.
And Kathy…”
“Yes,
Mr. P?”
“If you
hurt her, I will come after you.”
“If she
hurts me, I can come after her myself, dad.”
“Fine. If
you hurt her, she’ll come after you, and I will be close behind.”
“Got
it,” Kathy laughed, “hurting her is the last thing I’d ever do, but I’ve got
it.”
“Good.”
My father said, and the line went dead.
I hugged Kathy so tightly that she dropped our bags.
“That
went so well!” She squealed.
“SO
well! Except for poor Jon.”
“Your
mom really did try to warn him.”
“He’s
so dim sometimes, I swear. In some ways he’s the smartest person you’ll ever
meet, but he’s so, so dim.”
“I’m
just so happy that that went well.”
“Me,
too.” We retrieved our bags and set off again down the street, our hands
clasped, each feeling so much lighter than we had for a long while.
Chapter six
“Class
of 2018, I have never been prouder than I am right now.” The applause swelled
to fill the arena as the dean of our university took the stage. “Over the last
four years, I have had the pleasure of meeting all of you in one context or
another, and I can honestly say that you are the most… unique class that our
establishment has ever seen.” A chuckle rose from the audience and the seated
students. I glanced up from the program that I was clutching in my fist and
stared three rows ahead of me and three seats to the left, where Kathy sat
between our friends Gregory and Chevon. She looked stunning, as usual, in her
shimmering red graduation cap and gown with her sharp black tassel, complete
with a bedazzled ’18 charm. I hated
the way I looked in red; it brought out my acne and somehow made my face look
even redder than it already was, but Kathy was the sort of girlfriend who
maintained that I looked good no matter what I was wearing, and that, as she
put it, ‘what’s on the inside matters, too.’ I only wished she’d been seated
next to me instead of Chevon, who was a stunning, tall redhead. She was
straight as far as I knew, but Kathy was totally cute enough to turn a girl. I
tried not to be the jealous type, but I knew for sure that I was the reacher in
our relationship, which meant that Kathy was the settler, which meant that she
could find better than me. I knew she wasn’t looking for better, but we’d been
having a bit of a rough patch lately and I was always anxious that better might
find her, and she wouldn’t be able or want to deny it. Every so often, though,
she’d glance back at me throughout the ceremony and wink or grin, or somehow
reference an inside joke, and my confidence soared; she hadn’t so much as
looked at Chevon all night.
After
we’d all collected our diplomas and switched our tassels around and met and
greeted the audience, Kathy and I tried to figure out where we should go.
Chevon, Greg, Greg’s brother Mitchell, and Mitchell’s girlfriend Nancy were all
going to some bar with some of our other acquaintances, but I had work in the
morning and really didn’t want to go get drunk.
“Can’t
you just call in?” Kathy pleaded.
“Baby,
no. I’m the only one working my shift. They actually need me.”
“I
actually need you, too. Come on, it will be so much fun.”
“Why
don’t you just come home with me, and we can celebrate tomorrow night?”
“Because
tomorrow night we won’t have just graduated fucking college.” She said, like I
was the idiot of the century.
“Hey,
yes we will have. And the bar won’t be as crowded. Think how many people are
going to be there tonight.”
“Exactly!
The energy there will be phenomenal.
There will be so many people that we know! It’ll be, like, the last social
event we go to with our class. Come on, please?”
“Kathy,
hon, I’m really tempted, but the fact is I can’t.
I really can’t. I need the money and I could not go to work after staying up
all night.”
“What
are you, a grandma?” Kathy scoffed unkindly, and the group behind her laughed,
too.
“No,
look, just go. Fine. Go without me. I’ll be at home waiting for you. Just,
please be safe. Take an uber or a taxi, or something. Don’t drive, don’t let
any of them drive.”
“Thanks,
mom, I will.”
“Hey,
wait,” I stepped after her. “I love you.”
“I love
you, too. I just don’t love when you’re a party pooper.”
“I’m
sorry to be a party pooper. I promise not to poop on any parties that don’t
interfere with my ability to pay for our lives.”
“That
was over the line!”
“What,
and calling me grandma wasn’t?”
“I was
kidding.”
“No,
you weren’t.”
“Yes, I
was.”
“Fine,
then so was I.”
“You
know what, I’m done. I’m going out and you’re just going to have to deal with
it. Okay? I will see you later.” She turned on her heel and walked off with
Greg and Chevon, peeling off her gown as she went. I didn’t even fully realize
that I was crying until I felt a tear drip off the tip of my nose. I turned,
drying my eyes, and forged my way through the crowds towards the parking lot. I
finally made it through and remembered where I’d parked my car, but when I got
there, it was gone. I picked up my phone to call Kathy, only to see that I had four
new texts from her.
Need the car. Want to
drive and drop me off?
Hello?
Going to take it.
Chevon says her aunt’s
here and could probably give you a ride. Ttyl.
I sank down onto the pavement and buried my head in my arms.
I didn’t even try to hold back my sobs. I couldn’t believe this. Kathy was
completely not the person I’d fallen in love with four years ago. I still loved
her, but I didn’t understand why she was being such a… such a bitch. She wasn’t usually like this. I
tried to think what could’ve caused her to act so differently, but a hand on my
shoulder interrupted my thoughts. I jumped a little bit, and looked up. A kind
enough-looking guy was looking down at me slightly awkwardly.
“I’m
really sorry, it’s just, you’re kind of leaning on my car.” I stood, brushed
off my ass, and blushed.
“I’m so
sorry, oh my god.”
“It’s
fine.” He opened the driver’s door and turned. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah,”
I lied, “totally fine.”
“Are
you sure? It doesn’t seem like it.” I scoffed.
“Okay,
I’m not totally fine. My… I don’t want to get into it. Sorry.” He held his
hands up.
“Hey,
that’s fine. Do you need a ride?”
“I
don’t usually take rides with strangers, sorry. Thank you so much.”
“We’re
not strangers.”
“What?
I’m sorry, I don’t remember you.”
“We had
chem lab together a couple years ago. I spilled hydrochloric acid. They had to
shut down our floor for a couple days.”
“Mike?”
I asked incredulously. He nodded.
“Guilty.”
“Wow, I
totally forgot about that until just now. Oh my god, that was horrible. Ari
would not stop screaming at you.” I laughed, briefly forgetting my troubles.
“Tell
me about it. My head hurt for hours afterwards.”
“Because
of the yelling, or the acid?”
“That’s
a good question.” He laughed. “So, anyway, ride? I’d be happy to get you
wherever you need to go.”
“That
would actually be fantastic. I live over on 45th. Not too far.”
“That’s
on my way home. Hop in.” I smiled and walked around his car. He pushed my door
open from the inside.
“thank
you so much.”
“No
problem. You’re… Caitlyn, right?”
“Crystal.”
“Oh,
duh, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s
okay. My own brother forgets my name sometimes.” That wasn’t true, but somehow
it felt like the thing to say. He laughed and backed out of his parking spot.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, until he turned onto my street.
“Okay,
now it’s the apartment complex up here on the right. There’s a really big speed
bump, be careful.”
“Thanks,”
he smiled and slowly turned into my parking lot. He pulled into a parking spot,
and I got out.
“Thank
you so much for the ride, Mike. It was great to see you again.”
“What,
you think I’m going to leave without making sure you get home safe? Not a
chance.” My creepy-dude spidey sense started tingling. I kept up a sweet face
so he might not notice me trying to get away from him.
“No,
it’s fine. You’re not even technically supposed to be parked here, so you might
actually want to get a move on before they ticket you.” I laughed nervously.
“Oh,
that’s fine. They can ticket me all they want, I am not letting you walk home
alone.” He stepped closer, and I was suddenly aware of how tall he was.
“I’m
really close, so, you know, I’ve got it.” I smiled and turned to leave. In a
flash, he was at my side.
“Well,
if you’re close, I won’t be parked illegally for very long.” He smiled down at
me. I took a deep breath and pulled my phone out of my pocket, trying to look
busy, hoping he would go away. He didn’t, and I certainly didn’t want to lead
him right to my door, so I meandered around for a couple minutes. He started to
get irritated.
“We’ve
walked around this whole complex. Are you lost?” He uttered the most fake laugh
I’d ever heard and glanced around him.
“No,
no, I’m just… looking for something.” I was grasping at straws, I knew, but I
had to get him to leave me alone. “My neighbor’s cat went missing, we all pitch
in to look for her. I figured I’d look around. You can go, really, it’s okay.”
I stopped below a walkway that connected two apartment buildings. We were
illuminated by four porch lights and were in plain view of two apartments. If I
had to take a stand, I was going to take it there.
“I just
want to keep you safe.”
“That’s
not really your job. I’m fine. Please, just go. I don’t want your car getting
towed.” I smiled, forcing myself not to scream. Then, he stepped closer.
“If you
take one more step, I will scream.” I said through my teeth. He stopped.
“What?”
“I
said, if you take one more step, I will scream.”
“Where
is this coming from?”
“I
don’t know, maybe from you being a creep and refusing to leave me alone, for
starters.”
“I was
just trying to be a gentleman!”
“Then
here’s your chance to prove it. Turn around, get back in your car, and leave me
alone. Forever.”
“Why
are you being such a bitch?”
“I’m
being a bitch?” I laughed. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Fuck
this.” He turned and stormed off, seeming to think that this would offend me.
It obviously didn’t. I climbed the stairs to my neighbor’s porch and watched
him get in his car and drive off. He forgot about the speed bump, and scraped
the bottom of his car. I stifled a laugh.
By the time I made it back to my apartment, my legs were
jelly as the gravity of the evening settled upon me. Did I even have a
girlfriend anymore? Had I really been stalked by a guy I used to have chem lab
with? Was the real world really this horrible? I picked up my phone and shakily
dialed Kathy’s number. She picked up after the first ring.
“I’m so
sorry.” She blurted by way of a greeting. “I shouldn’t have come out tonight.
They jacked up the drink prices and the music sucks and I miss you. I didn’t
realize it before now, but all that stuff that normal people think is fun, none
of it’s fun for me if you’re not around.” Normally I would’ve been awed by the
sweetness and sudden change of mood, but I was still awash with fear from my
encounter with Mike. Over the next few minutes, I told my girlfriend
everything.
“I
remember you talking about him – wasn’t he super creepy when you had class
together, too?”
“I
don’t know, I barely remembered his name.” I sobbed.
“That
bastard,” she growled. “Don’t move. I am on my way home. I’m sorry. I love you
so much. I’ll be right there. I’m sorry.” She hung up without saying goodbye. I
lay on my bedroom floor, fully clothed, crying softly until I heard someone
unlocking the front door and then locking it behind them as soon as they
entered.
“Babe?
It’s me.”
“I’m in
the bedroom,” I said, my voice crackly with disuse. She came in and sat down
next to me.
“Do you
want to talk about it anymore?” I shook my head no. “Do you want some soup or
something? Some chocolate? A cupcake?”
“I just
want to feel clean.”
“You
are clean, baby. I know it’s gross, I know it was terrifying, but you’re okay.
Did he hurt you?” I shook my head.
“Not
physically.”
“Good,
so I don’t have to add murder to my rap sheet for now. You want to go to bed?”
“Yeah.
That sounds nice.”
“Okay,
let’s get you into bed. Can I touch you?”
“Yeah.
Thank you for asking.” I smiled. She had to be the most thoughtful person ever.
She helped me stand up, then she helped me take off my gown – I’d already lost
my cap – and the dress I wore under it. She picked out a set of soft pajamas
and guided me into them.
“Thank
you. I love you so much.”
“Of
course. I love you more.”
“No,
you don’t. Tonight I love you more, and you don’t get to fight me on that.” I
was sitting on the edge of my bed and she was standing in front of me. She
smiled and nodded.
“Okay.
I love you. Let’s get you to sleep.” She folded back the covers and crawled
into bed, spreading her arms for me to join her. I curled into her familiar
shape, her soft stomach and breasts and thighs comforting against my spine and
shoulders and legs. She wrapped me in her arms and placed gentle kisses along
my neck until I fell asleep.
Chapter seven.
We were back in New York walking through the neighborhoods
I’d grown up in, window shopping and talking about the future. It was snowing
and the flakes were getting caught in Kathy’s hair. Her cheeks were glowing and
the white flakes contrasted so greatly with her dark hair, she looked like she
belonged in some sort of holiday ad. I wanted to shower her with kisses but
we’d decided we should ease ourselves into the community, staring out just
walking together, and then holding hands, and then maybe kissing sometimes. We
were in the holding hands phase, and nobody had tried to murder us yet. We were
paused in front of a toy display and I was telling her some story about when I
was a little kid when she cut me off.
“We
need to plan for the future.” She said abruptly.
“Oh…
okay.”
“I
mean, not right now, obviously, but at some point. We can’t stay in your
parents’ house forever.”
“My dad
knows some people who are in real estate here, maybe we could talk to him about
helping us find an apartment.”
“We
want to find an apartment here?”
“There’s
no need to sound so disdainful.”
“I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to sound disdainful. I was just asking. That’s what you
want?”
“Well,
I mean, what else is there?”
“There
are other places, for one thing, and there are houses as opposed to
apartments.”
“Houses
are much more expensive.”
“That
is true, but they’re also more of a lifetime investment. They’re more
permanent. Your landlord can’t kick you out with a week’s notice.”
“The
bank can.”
“Okay,
so not a house.”
“No,
no, that’s not what I meant,” I said, getting defensive. “I’m just nervous.
I’ve never struck out on my own before.”
“You’re
not on your own.” She said.
“I
know.”
“You’ll
never be on your own ever again.”
“What?”
And she got down on one knee.
“Crystal
Marie Podalski,”
And she pulled out a velvet box.
“I have
been in love with you since the moment I saw you.”
And I started to cry.
“I know
the future is terrifying but it’s a lot less terrifying with you in it.”
And strangers started looking at us.
“I
don’t care what happens to us tomorrow, or next week, or next year,”
And I didn’t care that they were staring.
“We
could live in your parents’ house for the rest of our lives as long as you’re
with me.”
And she opened the box.
“Will you
marry me?”
And I cried so hard that I barely managed to gasp out,
“Yes,
of course, I’ll marry you.”
And she stood, and we kissed, right there in front of that
crowd of people who started to cheer and clap and cry. She pulled back, and I
said,
“I just
have to say one thing.” The crowd began to disperse, thankfully, as I took a
knee. Kathy gasped and put her hands over her mouth.
“Katherine
Eleanor Branger, I am completely, irreparably in love with you. They say that
when you’re truly in love with someone, you know in the first day. With you, I
knew in the first minute that you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of
my life with. When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life
with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. So,”
I pulled out my own little velvet box and opened it to reveal a thin silver
band with a small arrangement of blue stones, “Will you marry me?”
“That’s
a little redundant,” she sobbed, smiling widely and reaching a hand down for me
to put the ring on. I teasingly pulled the box back.
“I need
you to say it. I can’t yell it if you don’t say it.”
“Oh,
god, don’t yell it.”
“I
won’t if you don’t want me to but I need you to say it.”
“Yes,
you moron. I’ll happily marry you. You dork.” She bit her lower lip and grinned
as I slid the ring onto her ring finger and stood to kiss her.
“Aren’t
you going to yell it?” She asked, winking.
“She
said yes!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. There was another cheer. I leaned
in and whispered in Kathy’s ear, “Oh, god, is there a crowd?”
“It
sort of disappears when you’re down there, doesn’t it?” She laughed.
“Everything
disappears when I look at you.”
“Remind
me never to get in a car with you ever again.” We both smiled, and we kissed
again.
“I had
this whole romantic evening lined up, so I’m afraid I need you to come with
me,” I said.
“Oh,
no, I wrecked your proposal?” She seemed genuinely upset so I rushed to comfort
her.
“No,
no, no, never. You made it so much more special. And besides, this way I get
the last word.”
“But I
got the first, so I win.”
“I said
I love you first, though.”
“But I
asked you out and I proposed. You’ve
got to get your head in the game, Podalski.” Just then, we rounded a corner and
the violins started playing and I started telling my story.
“When I
was a little kid, I used to walk along this street and I would picture meeting
the love of my life in that café right there.” I pointed into the most kitschy
café in existence, that had been the location for all of my imaginary meet
cutes. “Then I got older, and I realized true love doesn’t work like that. You
don’t have to meet someone in a cute or romantic way for them to be the one for
you. You can meet them in a bathroom, while they’re putting on makeup and you’re
trying to figure out if you should tuck your shirt in or leave it out.” We were
walking towards the source of the violin music, but we had one more stop before
we got there. “When I was a teenager, I sat in this record store and I listened
to romantic music and I imagined dancing in the dark with the love of my life,
to my favorite song. Will you dance with me?” I pushed open the door, revealing
a small store decked out with roses and candles, with ‘Earth Angel’ by The
Penguins blasting through the giant, old speakers perched on the counter. Kathy
was crying in earnest now, happy sobs racking her entire frame.
“Are
you okay?” I asked, pulling her close for a dance.
“Are
you kidding? This is the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me.” I put
one hand on her waist and took one of hers with my free hand. She rested her
free hand on my shoulder, and we began to sway to the rhythm. I smiled at her.
“How am
I doing?” I asked.
“With
the dancing or the proposal?”
“The
dancing.”
“Horribly.”
She laughed.
“The
proposal, then.”
“Well,
I know how it ends, so it’s a bit sad. But, you know, it’s an adventure to find
out what would’ve happened if I hadn’t totally won.”
“You
didn’t win.”
“Yes, I
did.”
“The
evening isn’t over yet.”
“I
proposed first. I win.”
“You
might change your mind by the end of the night.”
“We’ll
see.” We danced in quiet for the rest of the song, and after it was over I
kissed her again and led her outside.
“We
have one final stop on our little tour. This one comes from much more recent
history. When I was a freshman in college, I met the most beautiful girl in the
world, and I fell in love with her. I brought her back here with me and we went
out to dinner a lot, as two people who live together tend to do, but my brother
was always there. I thought she was in love with him, ridiculous as it seems
now, so every time we went out I ended up heartbroken because I thought she was
falling deeper and deeper in love with him. One day, though, she told me why
she would never love him, and to celebrate, I took her to dinner the next
night, just the two of us. She didn’t know it was a celebration, and she didn’t
know that that very night I was planning the words that I’m saying to her now.”
Kathy gasped and reached out her hand, taking mine.
“The
place we went is right around the corner,” I said, rounding the corner and
pushing open the door to a semi-fancy Italian restaurant. The violinists were
set up there, playing beautiful music to a room where a single table was set up
with champagne and a delicious-looking meal.
“This
is where I would’ve proposed if I hadn’t lost my head and done it out there in
the street like some commoner.” I joked, leading Kathy through the door. “I
would’ve sat you at this table and told you that you were the love of my life,
you make me complete, blah, blah, blah, and then I would’ve said ‘This is the
last stop on our tour. This is the place we will take our children to. This is
the place I ask you to marry me.’ You would’ve cried—”
“I am
crying,” Kathy sniffled,
“Okay,
so that worked. Now we sit down to the most delectable food on the entire east
coast.”
“I
can’t believe I ruined this.” Kathy
gasped, turning in a slow circle, looking at the violinists and the food and
the small crowd gathered outside.
“Well,
I like to think that I pulled it off anyway.”
“You’re
right.” She sighed, “it’s perfect.”
“Then
you didn’t ruin anything.”
Chapter Eight
The days leading up to the wedding
were the most stressful of my life, and I’d once had five upper-division finals
in the space of 48 hours. My family members were arriving from all over the
country, and this served as a reminder to everyone present that Kathy’s family
had all declined her invitations. I couldn’t fathom that; an entire family so
cruel, so rooted in their twisted ideals, that they would refuse to come to a
family wedding. A couple of them had legitimate excuses – her aunt’s
father-in-law wasn’t doing well, so that household was spending time with him
instead, a cousin was joining the armed forces – but I truly wished I could
find the rest of her family and pummel them into the earth. Every time an uncle
or grandmother or second cousin knocked on the door, I could see in Kathy’s
face how much she was hurt by her family’s decision.
“I love you.” I reminded her, as my
cousin from Missouri was flittering around the house, cooing over every single
decoration and trinket my parents had amassed.
“I love you, too.” She leaned into
my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m still so,
so sorry.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Do you want to see something?” I
asked, taking her hand. “Come here.” I led her down the hall and into my
bedroom. I opened the closet.
“Are you going to show me your
dress?”
“Yup.”
“You can’t do that!”
“Yes, I can.”
“I don’t want to see it!”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s bad luck.”
“You’re not a man. It’s only bad
luck for a man to see his bride’s dress before the wedding.”
“I want to be surprised.”
“Okay, then. I’m sorry.” I closed
the sliding door.
“Hey, no. Don’t be sorry. It was
thoughtful. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I took her hand
and sat on the bed. “Are you nervous?”
“I’ve had my wedding vows planned
since I was eight, I’m marrying the love of my life in the perfect setting, I
look damn good in my suit. Of course, I’m nervous.” She sighed and sat next to
me. “I don’t know, it’s weird, I feel like I’m about to go onstage in the
school musical and I haven’t rehearsed.”
“I know the feeling. I’m trying to
tell myself there’s nothing to be nervous about, but I feel so scared.”
“You’re making the right decision,
right? This is what you want?”
“Kathy, are you serious?”
“Well, I’m just asking.”
“Of course, I’m making the right
decision. Marrying you is the best decision ever made in all of human history.”
“You’re cute.”
“I’m right.”
“Okay.” She grinned and rested her
head upon my shoulder. From the living room, my father called my name. I stood,
kissed her on the forehead, and went to him.
“An unexpected group has appeared,
and I don’t know where to seat them.”
“Well, who are they?”
“Kathy’s parents.” He said this so
casually, like he didn’t understand its significance. My jaw dropped.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, of course I’m serious. They
just called your mother. They want to surprise Kathy.”
“We have to tell her.”
“We can’t tell her! They wanted it
to be a surprise.”
“What they want doesn’t matter. She
has to decide if she wants them here.”
“They’re her parents, of course she
wants them here.”
“She doesn’t like them, and she has
reason.”
“My parents are here?” Kathy asked.
My father and I jumped; we hadn’t heard her enter, but of course she had. I
crossed the room and took her hands.
“Apparently so. Do you want them
here?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?” My father needled.
“Dad, I’m sure she’s sure.”
“I’m sure.” She nodded.
“Okay, then we won’t have them.” I
looked at my father. “The Brangers are not invited.”
“Is my sister here?” Kathy asked,
and my father glanced at a note he had in his hand.
“Yes.”
“She can come. Cameron can come,
but my parents can’t.” I understood. Cameron had stuck with Kathy through their
parents’ cruelty. My father, however, didn’t get it.
“Surely if you can stand having one
family member here…”
“No. My parents are not invited.” She
turned and fled the room, and soon I heard her crying.
“Dad!” I said, shocked. “How could
you? You know what horrible people
her parents are. They practically kicked her out when she came out, and when
she told them about us, they literally kicked her out. If you’d done that to
me, I wouldn’t want you at my wedding.”
“But just earlier you were angry at
her family for not coming. I don’t understand what goes on in your head.”
“We were angry at her family for
being so ridiculous that they let their convoluted beliefs get in the way of
their family. We are still angry about that, and her parents can’t fix it.
They’ve been awful to her for years.”
“Maybe they’re trying to make
reparations.”
“I’m sure that’s not what they’re
doing.”
“How do you know?”
“Dad, it’s Kathy’s wedding, hers
and mine. Neither of us want her parents here, and that’s final.” I turned on
my heel and retreated to my bedroom, where I found Kathy on my bed, holding my
wedding dress in its plastic bag.
“Thank you.” She sniffled.
“Oh, babe, are you okay?” I asked
sliding onto the covers next to her. She nodded.
“This is… absolutely beautiful. It
does make me feel better.” She smiled faintly, and I wrapped an arm around her.
“So you’re okay with the spoilers?”
“It was worth it.”
“You haven’t seen me in it yet,
either.”
“I can picture it.”
“I promise you, you can’t. It’s
absolutely stunning.”
“Trust me, I can picture you
looking absolutely stunning. You’ve looked that way every time I’ve looked at
you, ever. And I’ve seen you after four shots of tequila. I’ve seen you with
the flu.”
“Is this from your vows?”
“Oh, honey, this little speech has
nothing on my vows.”
“Wow, I can’t wait.”
“You interrupted my pitch.” She
kissed me softly, and kept talking. “I’ve seen you after pulling four
all-nighters in a row. Your eyes were redder than anything I’d ever seen but
you were still the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I’m absolutely
certain that you will look amazing in your dress, but I am also absolutely
certain that I’m prepared for it.”
“I don’t think you are. You
remember the formal sophomore year?”
“We were barely out.”
“I wore that purple dress with the
black skirt? Your jaw literally dropped?”
“That was remarkable, I grant you, but I think you look amazing all the
time.”
“Yeah, I’ve got it. I’m just
saying,” I leaned in and whispered in her ear, “you are so not ready for me in this dress.” I kissed her ear and hung the
wedding dress back in the closet.
“Well you’re not ready for me in my
suit.”
“That, I agree with. You never
cease to amaze me. I look forward to it.”
Chapter nine
We got married on a beautiful Saturday in May. I don’t know
if I’d ever seen more perfect weather. We were at an inn on Lake George, Kathy
had wanted to get married at an inn since she was a little girl, and I’d wanted
to get married at Lake George for as long as I could remember. I was standing
just inside the doors on one side of the porch where I was about to marry the
love of my life, and I knew she was tucked away on the opposite side. We had
decided that neither one of us would walk down the aisle alone, rather we’d
walk up it together once we were married. “It’s super symbolic,” she’d said,
“and it makes it less of a business deal.” I’d agreed. My mother and young
cousin were with me; we were all to walk out together when the music started,
hopefully at the same time as Kathy, her sister, and her friend from high
school.
“That’s
our que!” My mom whisper-shouted as a lilting Gaelic melody flowed from the
speakers. We pushed open the heavy door and stepped onto the porch. We had
timed it perfectly. I smiled so widely that my cheeks hurt as Kathy stepped
through the door. I gasped. She really did look amazing – her suit was tailored
absolutely perfectly, her tie was somehow both ridiculous and stunning, and her
entire face was lit up with a smile. When we made eye contact, she winked, and
it was all I could do not to laugh. I bit my lower lip to keep from smiling
quite so much when we met in the center of the porch and joined hands.
The ceremony went by in a blur until the vows. The minister
– a friend from college who’d become deputized for the occasion – announced
that we had each prepared something to say, and Kathy, as had been agreed upon,
cleared her throat to speak first.
“Well,
I don’t know what Jeff’s talking about ‘prepared,’ I stole this from the
internet.” Our friends and my family chuckled as she unfolded a piece of paper.
“No, that was a joke, I did write this. Crystal, I know it’s customary to say
in one’s vows that today is the day I’m giving you my heart and my hand to love
and to hold for the rest of your life. But that’s simply not true.”
She paused for a second, and nobody took a breath until she
continued.
“You’ve had my heart since the moment
I laid eyes on you, and you’ve had my hands since the very first time you held
them. I have, then, only a few things left to say. When we were first dating, I
told you that I didn’t believe in soul mates. At first you were hurt, and I
felt like a monster. I need to amend that today. Your love, your belief in me,
the time we’ve spent together, and my love for you has proved to me beyond a shadow
of a doubt that not only do soulmates exist, but that you are mine.”
Tears pricked behind
my eyes and I willed them not to come out, but I felt them start streaming anyway.
“You know as well as I do that my
family is not the most supportive, but from the day I met you, you have been
the only family I have needed, and you always will be. I promise to be faithful
to you and only you, I promise to shoulder your burdens with you to make them
lighter for you to bear. I promise to support you in your every endeavor, I
promise to live in truth with you, and I promise to love you until my dying
day.”
By the time she finished, the audience was a blubbering
mess, and I was right there with them. It was my turn to speak, so I swallowed
hard, wiped my eyes, and took Kathy’s hands in mine.
“I don’t
know how I’m supposed to follow that,” I giggled nervously, before making eye
contact with Kathy and letting the rest of the world melt away.
“Kathy,
this is the best day of my life. But until today, until this moment right here,
the best day of my life was the day I fell in love with you, the day I knew I
was going to marry you, the day you told me my shirt looked better tucked in.”
A tear tracked its mascara-laden path down her cheek and it was
all I could do not to reach up and wipe it away.
“I am not making any promises to
you today.” I took a page out of her book and paused for effect before
continuing,
“I don’t see what I’m about to say
as promises; I see them as privileges. I get to laugh with you and cry with you;
I get to run with you and walk with you; I get to grow with you and live with
you; I get to care for you and share with you. I am blessed enough to be able
to respect you, be faithful to you, trust you, celebrate your triumphs, and
love you in times of trial and failure. I get to be your playmate, your navigator,
your sidekick, your helper, your best friend, and your wife. I get to give you
my whole self, and I get to be with you until the very end. Thank you for
letting me be a part of your life, and for letting our separate lives become
one life. I love you so much.” I clumsily slid the ring onto her finger as I repeated
after Jeff, ending with that fateful “I do.” Kathy did the same, tears running
freely down both our faces. We kissed delicately and promenaded down the aisle
to a much more celebratory tune than the pastoral one we’d entered to. I held
her tightly as staff came out to move the chairs from the ceremony to the tables
set up near the tree line. We walked slowly to the head table, holding hands
and smiling.
“That was beautiful.” I said, glancing
up at her.
“Are you kidding? Everything you
did surpassed mine by a million miles.”
“Did not. But hey,” I gestured to myself,
“The dress.” She stopped and looked at me.
“The DRESS.”
“Were you ready?”
“I was far from ready.”
“Right?”
“The only thing more attractive
than you in that dress is you out of that dress.”
“Hey!” I chided her, grinning, “there
are children here!”
“I try to ignore the fact that our
college friends are having kids already.”
“I had friends from high school
with kids while I was in high school.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, you two!” My mother shouted, “Get
over here for toasts!” She waved hugely and pointed to the two seats designated
for us. We smiled and walked to our seats.
The first toast was my brother’s.
He stood, awkwardly clinked his spoon against the side of his glass, and
cleared his throat.
“When I first met Kathy, she’d come
home to New York with my sister from college in California. I have to say, I
fell in love the instant I saw her.” Kathy groaned, and I blushed and squeezed
her hand. “But the thing is, I always saw something between her and my sister.
At first, I didn’t know what to think of it, and then it became clearer.
Nonetheless, when they finally made it official, I was heartbroken. I didn’t know
what to think. I felt like I’d failed, somehow, or that my life would forever
be incomplete. But Kathy and Crystal, your union has done the opposite of
damage me. Separately, you are both amazing people who are absolute pleasures
to be around. Together as one, you are a force of nature. Your relationship is
an inspiration and a wonder, and it makes me infinitely proud of both of you
that you were able to rise above the biases in the world and create this
magnificent love that you share. Kathy, I will be forever grateful to you for
bringing so much joy to my family, and especially my sister, who means so much
to me. Crystal, thank you for being the best sister anyone could ask for. Thank
you for not killing me when I was such a douche around the girl you were in
love with. Finally, thank you both for showing us all what real love looks
like. To Crystal and Kathy, may their influence always be positive, and may
they always be happy.”
I glanced at Kathy to make sure I
wasn’t the only one getting emotional, and I was pleased to see that I wasn’t.
The cloth napkin in front of her – it was embroidered with our initials, my mom
had ordered them as a wedding gift – was stained with makeup, and her eyes were
red. I kissed her on the cheek, and stood to hug my brother.
“Was that okay?” He asked concernedly.
“Seriously? Jon, that was stunning.
Really, absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much.” I hugged him tightly, and
then returned to my seat.
None of the other toasts were
nearly as incredible as my brother’s, though my father’s speech on his
realization that I was gay brought up a few tears. After Kathy’s sister was
done speaking, the food was served, and music started playing.
“Will you dance with me?” I asked,
taking Kathy’s hand.
“Only if you’re about to propose.” She
raised her eyebrows, and I laughed.
“Well, see, we’re at our wedding.
It’s a bit late for that. But if you’d like…” I rearranged my skirts as though
I were about to kneel.
“Oh, god, no, I was kidding!” Kathy
laughed.
“So was I,” I said with a wink.
“Come on, let’s dance.” Kathy said,
walking to the stone patio in the center of the tables. “Hey, DJ!” She called
to Greg, who was standing near the speakers with his iPod, “Play something
slow!” The 80’s rock beat (Kathy’s choice) switched to a much slower ballad (my
choice), and Kathy wrapped her arms around my neck. I grasped her waist
gingerly and we revolved slowly in a circle.
“You know,” I said, “So much of our
relationship has been perfect, but tonight was the most perfect thing I think I have ever experienced. It was just... amazing. Thank you."
“Are you nuts? Thank you. This night has been absolutely perfect."
“It’s crazy, when you think about
it, just how damn cute we are.”
“The cuteness is all you, babe.”
“You’re funny.”
I left Kathy’s side for a grand total of ten minutes that
night – we each danced with my brother – and I could not have been happier. My heart had never been as full of love as it was that night, and I doubted whether it ever would be again.